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To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?: Revenge Poetry for Babies and Toddlers, by Suzanne Weber
PDF Download To What Miserable Wretches Have I Been Born?: Revenge Poetry for Babies and Toddlers, by Suzanne Weber
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Q: How do you breed contempt?
A: Have a baby.
Hey. It's me. Your baby. Let me say, first off, that I love you. I do. You're a great parent. You do a lot of things right. I know how devoted you are to me and how invested you are in hitting this whole parenting thing out of the playground. Okay. Now that I've given you the validation I know you need, let's get a few things clear . . .
I'm not as innocent as you think I am. You don't realize it because you're blinded by my sweet good looks, but I am aware of way more than I can convey. I feel more than I can express. I have more going on in my soft, little baby brain than you could possibly imagine. Until now. The book you're holding finally reveals the complexities and nuances of my life so far. From my point of view.
Unapologetic.
Unplugged.
Unswaddled.
Be warned . . . it's not always "adorable."
- Sales Rank: #2073907 in Books
- Published on: 2015-01-17
- Released on: 2015-01-17
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.50" h x .40" w x 5.50" l, .0 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 112 pages
Review
"Brilliant." --"Redbook"
Twisted, clever and hilarious. I laughed out loud on every single page. You'll never look at your child the same way again." Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, author of "Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay"
"Brilliant." "Redbook"
"Twisted, clever and hilarious. I laughed out loud on every single page. You'll never look at your child the same way again." --Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, author of "Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay"
About the Author
SUZANNE WEBER is a writer perhaps best known for creating and performing the character Anita Liberty, a performance poet who achieves notoriety by devoting her entire career to humiliating her jerk of an ex-boyfriend in public. Weber penned three books as Anita Liberty – HOW TO HEAL THE HURT BY HATING, HOW TO STAY BITTER THROUGH THE HAPPIEST TIMES OF YOUR LIFE and the young adult title, THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE (YEP, THAT WOULD BE ME). Her short film, ANITA LIBERTY, was a Sundance selection and was co-written and directed by R.J. Cutler (The September Issue). A native New Yorker, Weber currently resides in Los Angeles where she writes television pilots and has started taking her coffee with soy milk. She lives with her husband and her daughter, a sassy little chip off her mother’s block of contempt.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
Fussy Loves Company
Why are you always on me about being fussy?
You’re fussy.
You’re fussy if you’re tired.
You’re fussy if you’re hungry.
You’re fussy when you have gas.
You’re fussy when there’s nothing on TV.
You’re fussy when you’re too hot or too cold.
You’re fussy in the morning before caffeine.
You’re fussy when I wake you up
in the middle of the night.
You’re fussy when you look in the mirror
and don’t like what you see.
You’re fussy when your mother pays too much
attention to you.
You’re fussy when your mother doesn’t respond
to your call.
You’re fussy when you’re over- and/or under-stimulated.
You’re fussy sometimes for no apparent reason at all.
The gist is
we’re not so different—
you and me.
Clearly, the fussy nut
has not fallen far
from its fussy-ass tree.
Suck It
Can you explain to me
what makes you
so very uncomfortable
with my pacifier?
I like to suck.
You taught me that.
I got rewarded for sucking.
I got fed. With warm, delicious milk.
I felt close to you.
Heck . . . I felt close to achieving Nirvana.
Can you blame me for wanting to keep that sense of
peace and oneness going for just a little longer?
Sucking on something makes me feel like I might
have a chance at being a truly successful human being.
Can you say that about any of your vices?
You wish you could find something that makes you feel this good about life.
Something that wasn’t bad for you . . .
didn’t rot your liver,
give you cancer,
slow down your brain.
Just clean, honest impulse satisfaction.
It’s hurting no one.
Except maybe you and your fragile sense
of confident parenting
in the face of some random stranger’s perceived judgment
while
on line
at
CVS.
iConfess
iHave
to
say
that
sometimes
iLove
your
iPhone
more
than
iLove
you.
iSorry.
The Sounds of Being Humiliated
“What’s the doggie say?”
Oof. Ooof.
“What’s the kitty say?”
Me-owww.
“What’s the rooster say?”
Ack-a-doodle-doo.
“What’s the lion say?”
Rawr.
“What’s the pig say?”
Oink. Oink.
“What’s the horsie say?”
Nay-ay-ay.
Okay.
Enough.
I’m out.
I’m done.
I’m bored.
I am not your puppet.
I am not your clown.
I am not your trained monkey.
Eee-eee-eee.
Most helpful customer reviews
6 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Child's Garden of Versus (Wickedly Funny)
By Ted Fishman
Poet Weber may sound ornery and ungrateful, but this volume could well be be the most empathetic volume of verse ever written. It takes the young child's point of view, which is mainly that parents are often silly, often stumbling and sometimes more than a wee bit out of touch with wee ones. I am not sure who will get more pleasure out of this volume, those of us who have been infants? Parents? Or those who witness, mouth agape, other parents struggle with the mysteries of the humankind's most shared, and most daunting task: tending to a baby. I laughed all through this book, but don't know if it because it conjures up my deep suppressed memories as an infant, or embarrassment as as a parent. Then again, I cannot rule out it might just be because the author and conceit are so darn whacky and right on. Brava Suzanne Weber! Can't wait to give this out at the next baby shower (which I was dreading). The reading will begin just after the oohs and ahhs stop following the ribbons and lace. No pacifiers please. This book is for howling.
6 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Absolutely Hilarious
By J. Hart
I loved Suzanne Weber when she wrote as Anita Liberty in her three previous volumes of poetry. How to Heal the Hurt by Hating should be required reading for every woman getting over a jerk, wait, make that every woman. Now she turns her lens on childhood and all the hell we (hopefully inadvertently) put our kids through, of course with all the best intentions. A perfect baby shower present, this is required reading for new, and continuing, parents.
5 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Love Those Little Wretches!
By Steph
This book is full of funny and real poetry and ponderings that our babies would say if they could talk to us - musings about mommy and me classes, why they might like your iPhone better than you, how they can't stand that big blue ball you shove up their nose to clear out the mucus, and even why the television is a win-win for the both of you.
These are laugh-out-loud poems to share with your mommy friends - even if your mommy friends have kids who are as old as my kids now - I cracked up reading this book and remembering the "good old days" when my babies were little.
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